History Lessons your teacher never taught you:1. Don’t piss off your peasants. They’ll revolt and kill you.
2. Don’t piss off the short people. They’re mean because people pick on them for being short and they’ll take over the world and kill you.
3. The Romans crucified people because it was FUNNY!
4. Ass is a perfectly acceptable name for a donkey.
5. The French always lose. If the French win it is because they are fighting themselves, being led by someone who is not French, or the US is doing all of the fighting. It’s best to just ignore France.
6. The Jews are the most persecuted people in history. Statistically, they’re bound to start winning sometime. (As long as they don’t piss of their peasants or the short people or invade Russia…or ally themselves with the French)
7. The Great Debate of the Middle Ages: Chunky or Creamy?
8. The Romans declared war on China. They didn’t know where China was or what it was but they thought it would be a good idea to declare war on it just in case. It’s always good to declare war on people you don’t know…as long as they don’t find out and kill you.
9. You can piss off a king. The worst he can do is kill you. Don’t piss off the pope. He can send you to hell. Nobody likes hell.
10. The Jews are smart. They don’t have a hell.
11. Christopher Columbus did NOT discover America. Nor did he believe that the world was flat. The Moral of This Story: Elementary History Teachers Lied to You
12. Deterrence only works if all players are rational. It doesn’t work when you’re dealing with nutcases.
13. If you’re going to declare that you’re god, make sure that you know how to make it rain during a draught.
14. Switzerland is cool…they have chocolate, pocket knives, watches, banks, the most armed society in the world, and a military that is so effective, its banned from most wars by international law. Not even Hitler was stupid enough to mess with the Swiss.
15. Trade is the best way to spread culture, disease, religion, language, and technology but conquest works in the unlikely event that you don’t have anything that anyone else wants.
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